Me and My Beloved Virgin

That is the title of the book I am reading right now by a famous old St. Johnian, Guy Benjamin. He's a brilliant old man with the Coral Bay elementary school named after him. Reading his book about how amazing St. John used to be-before the influx of building and tourism and such-makes me want to leave and never look back. We humans sure know how to ruin a good thing.

But I will be leaving soon, and as wonderful as St. John is in so many ways, there are a lot of totally ridiculous things that do not add to the charm, but just straight up piss me off. Here's a little list:

-Tip jars in the grocery store check-out line. I don't think so.
-Snotty and indifferent customer service. Why would I throw a tip in your little plastic jar if you are so rude?
-West Indian men. So over-sexed, brutal, macho, abusive. My West Indian lady friends always say that I am lucky to be with a white man, and totally feel like it is their role in life to be with these useless losers. They expect me to cheat on Jason without a care in the world. I AM GENERALIZING. There are a few exceptions, but VERY FEW.
-Chickens. I want to kick them, but instead just throw rocks in their general direction.
-Rats. The only time I have seen them is in my apartment, and that is NOT a good place for them to be.
-Lack of good friends. All my most amazing friends are in the states. I miss them constantly.
-Non-committal friends. People make plans, don't show up. Don't ever make plans, don't do anything but drink. I loved all the fun things we did in the States...dinner parties and this and that. Doesn't happen down here without a lot of effort (usually on my part).
-Idiotic government. I could rant for ages. I know all governments are pretty idiotic, but down here is a whole different level.
-Lawlessness. Murder? Well, no problem as long as you are related to a police officer! Rape, ah, too much trouble to investigate, don't want to piss anyone off.
-Disregard for environment. Maybe it is just more obvious here. 3/4 of the island is national park. People come here to visit a tropical paradise. Locals protect it voraciously. Well then why does everyone (locals and tourists) put their cigarette butts out in the beautiful sandy beaches and throw their garbage on the ground? The oceans are filled with plastic and the fish and coral are dying off. Again, humans always find a way to ruin a good thing.
-Tourists. God, people can be so annoying. Walking down the middle of the street, disrespect for local culture, not properly tipping (it is 20% here, just like in the states). "Go back to your suburb!" my neighbor Tyler would say. People come here to get away and experience something different, but when they get to experience 'island time' and the slower, laid-back pace with less amenities, they can't handle it. Drives me nuts.
-Expensive crappy food. It costs a lot to eat here because it costs a lot to transport food here. Our vegetables suck, our milk is spoiled, organic and local choices are rare. If only we were a more self-sufficient island with food production, like back when Mr. Guy Benjamin grew up here.
-Yucky bugs. Admittedly, this is a pretty weak complaint, but cockroaches and such are icky, icky, icky.
-Mildewy, smelly clothing and towels. I've had to throw some things away because they got too moldy. That smell has delved deeply into the interiors of my memory bank.
-Laundry. I curse you laundry! If I lived in a normal house with a washer and dryer, I would actually enjoy this task. But no. I have to trek weeks of dirty laundry to a busy, stiflingly warm laundromat. It is a sweaty, nasty, tedious workout. And it is expensive.

Those are my rants for the moment. When I get disgusted it makes it easier for me to think about leaving this place that I really do love. But guess what I love more??? SEATTLE!

Let's get this party started right

My downstairs neighbor Tyler came over last night, as he sometimes does, for a quick chat on his way to his apartment. Tyler is very excited as he is surprising his boyfriend Kenny with a trip to see Cher in Las Vegas for his birthday. They really love to hook one another up with great gifts…in previous years we’ve seen trips to Dolly Parton’s Dollywood and a quick flight to LA for Madonna. Needless to say Kenny will be excited to his core, even if the only outward enthusiasm he can muster will be a “Great. Thank you,” with a smile as he looks back down at his crossword and sips his Stoli drink.

So Tyler was telling me about his new brilliant plan to take this Vegas trip to the next level. Get Kenny a monkey to escort them in their limo from the airport! Kenny really enjoys monkeys.

As Tyler is telling me the story of how he called a Las Vegas zoo and spoke to a manager there to see about getting a monkey for a few hours, I shook my head with a bewildered smile on my face (as often happens when Tyler talks). When he finished recapping his phone call, our conversation went a little something like this…

Me: So you told the zoo that you needed to have the monkey for a few hours because your boyfriend is really into monkeys? And that you needed some one on one private time with the monkey? Because you really want your boyfriend to have a monkey experience? Maybe if they could make a special trainer available?

Tyler: Oh. (silence) Oh NO! (Hysterical laughter)

Me: You may need to think this through before you call the next monkey people.